Final week
Field module is over. All I have to do now is put down my thoughts.
When this week started I was already in a bad place emotionally. Last week’s work had to be finished in 20 minutes. I talked about that disaster here
After that I just felt tired. I was put into a new group and told to come up with with an idea for another installation. Oh joy.
The conversation over what we would make was the part I had the most impact in. I was able to get us to think about what we all had in common and what our strengths were. But very soon the conversation started moving so fast that I was left behind. We settled on making a mural of life drawings made watching the others doing their work. But I was still tired. and for some reason I felt nervous doing the life drawing. I asked to be excused and lay down on a nearby sofa-bench. Despite my best efforts I fell asleep. It was a very uneasy sleep. I woke up every 20 minutes or so. But by the time I woke up for real 3 and a half hours had passed! Still nervous, I psyched myself up and walked back in, ready to make a heroic last effort to make up for lost time. And the work was already finished?
To say I was annoyed is an understatement. Worse, I found out they had tried to make me but claimed I was unshakeable. Given how often I had woken up I know I wasn’t. They can’t have tried very hard. There was a tiny bit of empty space at the bottom. It was suggested I use that. Feeling I was being patronised after being ignored, I gave them the finger.
I mentioned in a previous post that there is no way to fail at modern art. Well. It turns out there is one way to fail it it. And that is to do nothing at all! I had managed to fail where failure should not have been possible. That takes a special kind of looser. Now I was stuck having to write a blog post about an artwork I had no part in making. I won’t say I was right to loose my temper. But can you see why I did?
I did talk to our defacto leader about this later. Once she understood what I was feeling she forgave me. I was then told that while I was sleeping a whole new layer of extra objectives had been added to our installation. I could do some animation work for a projection that was going to be added. Honestly, this was annoying in its own right. What is the point in agreeing on an objective if the objective can change behind your back at anytime? Do I matter that little if the whole thing can change and no one cares how I will feel about it.
Anyway. I said I’d do some animation if I felt up to it.
On Tuesday I feel asleep again. Only two hours. But still very embarrassing. I found I was too nervous to animate. So I decided to catch up on writing. I did 8 hours worth of writing!
On Wednesday I added my megere contribution to the mural. Two electric candles, one at either side of the mural, and a bouquets of white tulips in front of it. Not much. I guess it adds a bit of 3-dimensionality to a rather flat piece. Thematically it’s just rather random and doesn’t add anything. Infact I think it might be opposed to the themes that were already in the piece.
I slept again after that. It was then it occured to me that something was very wrong. I had been sleeping in class for three days in a row and felt nervous every time I thought about drawing. I was not in a good place.
Thursday I just didn’t come in. I was extra stressed from some drama in accommodation and wasn’t up to the horrors of anthropology. I did finish off my journal on completion and nepotism (Linked above ^) at least. Honestly. I did feel a lot better for getting some real sleep and time to relax.
Today I came in to see “our” project get examined by the heads of fine art and animation. While waiting for them to arrive I pushed myself to do one life-drawing. It was a bit hard. But I did it. I then added it to the bottom of the mural. And it was every bit as pathetic looking as I thought it would be. For one thing the paper was a totally different shade of white to what the others used. Making it stand out like a sore thumb. It, my flowers, and my electric candles were all I had added to this mess.
Owen and David (The head of Fine Art) both seemed to like the piece. I noticed when asked none of us could really say what it was about or why we made it. It was not a cohesive whole. But at least it was finished the way we imagined it. So that’s something.
I explained my minimal contribution. But David still seemed to think they were valuable additions. Though he couldn’t say why.
I once considered going into fine art. I am so glad I didn’t if it would be like this. I’d never learn anything. It seems almost impossible to disappoint a fine art teacher. How would I learn how to survive in the art world when nothing I do matters? The only way to fail is to do nothing at all. Nothing at all. Nothing at all!!! I want a challenge when making art. Other than getting along with strangers.
At least it would still be better than anthropology.
And since then I have been writing this journal. It feels like that’s all I do these days. Write and write and write. This is why I’ve been so resistant to using this learning journal. I was afraid if I did the recommended amount I’d spend so much time writing about the course I’d never actually do the course. And it seems to be coming true. Did you know were really supposed to do one of these everyday!?
I know it seems like all I’m doing is complaining. I wish I wasn’t But this is the job. So I might as well be honest.
Also. I was apparently supposed to be taking photographs the whole time and they should be in this journal. I wish somebody had told be this at the start. I guess this is just a rule that should be expected in all modules. I suppose I’ll just have to buy that new camera. I hate photographing my own work. Such a time-sink.
Final thoughts.
Did I learn anything about either art theory or making?
No. This was a comical waste of time on the artistic front. I did almost nothing, and I could have done less and still impressed David. Fine art is easy when you fall asleep and everyone-else does most of the work. I guess I’ve learned you can fail by doing nothing at all. Not that that helps me as an animator.
Did I learn anything about teamwork?
I’ve learned I can be left out of the teamwork process entirely and the rest of the team will see nothing wrong with it. It’s still great teamwork. I might as well not exist.
Also. If you get annoyed with them about it they will hold it against you. All I did was give them the finger. That would barely count as an insult in school. But they were still sore about it on Friday. I think people get more sensitive as adults rather than less.
Did I learn anything as a person?
I…. I’m not sure. I’ve learned my social skills in a group environment have not gone up with time. I was at least able to smooth things over with our leader. So that’s an improvement.
And I can see that when stressed the bad events cause and build upon each-other. But I don’t know how I could turn it around. I just hope the return to subject makes things easier.
Thoughts on the past few weeks in general.
I think it should be clear by now. But this hasn’t been fun. This was never going to be something I loved. But it feel like I’ve been plagued by bad luck for the past few weeks. Uncle Ben from the Spiderman comics would tell me the there’s no such thing as bad luck. Just opportunity, preparation, and confidence. That I’ve just had the wrong outlook. I will confess, I have not approached this with much confidence. And maybe to some extent I have been making it hard on myself. But can that really explain everything that has gone wrong?
I wasn’t feeling that bad about it until two weeks ago. I tried a new tactic. Of just sitting back and going with the flow, And that only worked out slightly better for me than my old tactics.
I was doing fine when fieldwork started in December. I was okay for the first two weeks back when it was a bit more solo-based. But the last two weeks have just been another disappointment.
If there is a next time I’ll try something else. But I’ve no idea what.
I’d like to be bit more positive in my outlook but this is another failure to discourage me. And I don’t know how to stay positive when it goes wrong again.
Maybe this was all just above my league. I’m a teamwork rookie who needs a game on easy, who was thrown into a game on Nightmare difficulty.
Or maybe I just suck.
John's Learning Journal 