Field: Year 1 – John's Learning Journal

On the demerits of teamwork

I’m going talk a bit about the problems I feel are endemic to teamwork. This is not an attack on teamwork, or an attempt to say that solo work is always better. That’s nonsense. Most of the great things the human race has done were done through teamwork and could never have been done alone. Imagine if one person had tried to build the Empire State Building by themself! This is more of a rant than anything else. An attempt to vent some steam and point out that for all the good that can be done with teamwork, it does have problems of its own. Especially in an unstructured environment.

When put into a team the first thing that happens is that everyone just sits or stands around nervously. Mumblingly trying to make some kind of common ground while including all people. It’s awkward. But it’s still better than the alternatives.

Normally what happens is some extrovert with more balls than brains (regardless of gender) starts doing all the talking for everyone and doesn’t let anyone-else offer a point of view. If an individual has an idea of their own or just sees a problem with the extrovert’s plan and tries to voice it he or she will be beaten down. The extrovert will not consider the other idea because it did not come from them, and just discards it. So they beat down the opposing idea. Not through logic, but through refusing to use it. This strategy of never looking at any other POV or ever admitting to doing anything wrong is how modern politicians keep their minions in line. Logic and empathy are human traits. So by disregarding them the extrovert makes himself/herself superhuman in the eyes of others. Or maybe it’s just too much effort to fight back for the rest of the group. And when the final product has real flaws, or just falls apart altogether the extrovert takes none of the blame for it. As i’ve said before. This scenario turns the other group members into effective slaves. And the slaves end up suffering for the extroverts mistakes, and even get the blame if things go really wrong.

The other scenario is the Instant Clique.

In this one Two or maybe Three group members start talking and find themselves so interested in each other that no-one-else matters. The other members become invisible. Sometimes these people know each-other, sometimes it’s a first meeting. It happens more often with girls, but does happen with boys. But I’ve never seen it happen with a set of people of both genders. But the effect is always the same. The new clique becomes the group. The other members are divided and conquered, and then reduced to hangers on. Often struggling to keep up with the clique’s ongoing progress. While the Clique is less averse to new ideas than the Extrovert, any idea that goes against the clique’s preset idea or that they just don’t like will be shut down immediately on the grounds that “We’ve all agreed on this!” Even if the clique makes up less than half of the group.

But the end effect is much the same. The other members just trudge alone. Being little more than unpaid interns for the clique. But The Clique-centric group is less likely to be met with disastrous failure, and if failure there is the blame is more fairly shared.

But let’s talk about some problems that can be found in any group.

For starters. No one ever puts the objective or need of the group above their own enjoyment.

When grouped people only have a surface interest in the group as a unit. Their main goal is to survive to the end of the mission, the other people there are a means to an end. Tools to be used. With this in mind people tend to talk to the ones they like the most. Interact based on pleasure rather than logic. If someone isn’t doing well or feeling left out that is no-one’s problem to fix. If the team as whole isn’t doing well then that just how it is. No-one has to try to make things run better. Just as long as things run well enough.

During the planning phase you need to be on your toes all the time. Trying to keep up with what is going on requires the same kind of twitch reflexes needed for a classic 80s arcade machine. You might think you know what’s going on and what’s been agreed on. But if you stop paying attention, even for a second, and you’ll find not only has the conversation shifted completely, but the goal you’ve settled on and how you are going to do it will also have totally changed. And if you object to all the changes that have happened in the past 30 seconds you will be met with the aforementioned cry of “But We’ve all agreed on this”. So if you want any say in what goes on then treat the planning stage like hunting a tiger. If you lose your concentration, it will get you.

Speaking of agreements. Agreements are never formal but they are always binding. Things are rarely put to a vote. And as mentioned before no-one ever asks everyone-else if they agree. Two or three people will just agree on a thing very casually without considering the implications, and then it’s law. Totally irreversible. How anyone keeps track of what has and hasn’t been agreed on in this system is beyond me.

I’ve alluded to the fact that most groups have a defacto leader whether they choose to of not. These people tend to have too much confidence. But it certainly is funny when they don’t know what to do. The leader will um and err and look worried. But as often as not they won’t take any suggestions you might give them. They have a plan, they just need to figure out what it is.

The bigger problem tends to be that if the leader goes missing there is suddenly no plan at all. Everyone has to just sit on their heels until daddy/mommy comes back. I think this is why in the military there is a chain of command and usually a second in command. A opposed to general group work where there is a leader and everybody-else. regardless, I hate being so dependent on someone-else. It’s irritating and even a little humiliating.

And that’s all I have for now. I may think of more, given time.

Final week of Field and final thoughts

Final week

Field module is over. All I have to do now is put down my thoughts.

When this week started I was already in a bad place emotionally. Last week’s work had to be finished in 20 minutes. I talked about that disaster here

After that I just felt tired. I was put into a new group and told to come up with with an idea for another installation. Oh joy.

The conversation over what we would make was the part I had the most impact in. I was able to get us to think about what we all had in common and what our strengths were. But very soon the conversation started moving so fast that I was left behind. We settled on making a mural of life drawings made watching the others doing their work. But I was still tired. and for some reason I felt nervous doing the life drawing. I asked to be excused and lay down on a nearby sofa-bench. Despite my best efforts I fell asleep. It was a very uneasy sleep. I woke up every 20 minutes or so. But by the time I woke up for real 3 and a half hours had passed! Still nervous, I psyched myself up and walked back in, ready to make a heroic last effort to make up for lost time. And the work was already finished?

To say I was annoyed is an understatement. Worse, I found out they had tried to make me but claimed I was unshakeable. Given how often I had woken up I know I wasn’t. They can’t have tried very hard. There was a tiny bit of empty space at the bottom. It was suggested I use that. Feeling I was being patronised after being ignored, I gave them the finger.

I mentioned in a previous post that there is no way to fail at modern art. Well. It turns out there is one way to fail it it. And that is to do nothing at all! I had managed to fail where failure should not have been possible. That takes a special kind of looser. Now I was stuck having to write a blog post about an artwork I had no part in making. I won’t say I was right to loose my temper. But can you see why I did?

I did talk to our defacto leader about this later. Once she understood what I was feeling she forgave me. I was then told that while I was sleeping a whole new layer of extra objectives had been added to our installation. I could do some animation work for a projection that was going to be added. Honestly, this was annoying in its own right. What is the point in agreeing on an objective if the objective can change behind your back at anytime? Do I matter that little if the whole thing can change and no one cares how I will feel about it.

Anyway. I said I’d do some animation if I felt up to it.

On Tuesday I feel asleep again. Only two hours. But still very embarrassing. I found I was too nervous to animate. So I decided to catch up on writing. I did 8 hours worth of writing!

On Wednesday I added my megere contribution to the mural. Two electric candles, one at either side of the mural, and a bouquets of white tulips in front of it. Not much. I guess it adds a bit of 3-dimensionality to a rather flat piece. Thematically it’s just rather random and doesn’t add anything. Infact I think it might be opposed to the themes that were already in the piece.

I slept again after that. It was then it occured to me that something was very wrong. I had been sleeping in class for three days in a row and felt nervous every time I thought about drawing. I was not in a good place.

Thursday I just didn’t come in. I was extra stressed from some drama in accommodation and wasn’t up to the horrors of anthropology. I did finish off my journal on completion and nepotism (Linked above ^) at least. Honestly. I did feel a lot better for getting some real sleep and time to relax.

Today I came in to see “our” project get examined by the heads of fine art and animation. While waiting for them to arrive I pushed myself to do one life-drawing. It was a bit hard. But I did it. I then added it to the bottom of the mural. And it was every bit as pathetic looking as I thought it would be. For one thing the paper was a totally different shade of white to what the others used. Making it stand out like a sore thumb. It, my flowers, and my electric candles were all I had added to this mess.

Owen and David (The head of Fine Art) both seemed to like the piece. I noticed when asked none of us could really say what it was about or why we made it. It was not a cohesive whole. But at least it was finished the way we imagined it. So that’s something.

I explained my minimal contribution. But David still seemed to think they were valuable additions. Though he couldn’t say why.

I once considered going into fine art. I am so glad I didn’t if it would be like this. I’d never learn anything. It seems almost impossible to disappoint a fine art teacher. How would I learn how to survive in the art world when nothing I do matters? The only way to fail is to do nothing at all. Nothing at all. Nothing at all!!! I want a challenge when making art. Other than getting along with strangers.

At least it would still be better than anthropology.

And since then I have been writing this journal. It feels like that’s all I do these days. Write and write and write. This is why I’ve been so resistant to using this learning journal. I was afraid if I did the recommended amount I’d spend so much time writing about the course I’d never actually do the course. And it seems to be coming true. Did you know were really supposed to do one of these everyday!?

I know it seems like all I’m doing is complaining. I wish I wasn’t But this is the job. So I might as well be honest.

Also. I was apparently supposed to be taking photographs the whole time and they should be in this journal. I wish somebody had told be this at the start. I guess this is just a rule that should be expected in all modules. I suppose I’ll just have to buy that new camera. I hate photographing my own work. Such a time-sink.

Final thoughts.

Did I learn anything about either art theory or making?

No. This was a comical waste of time on the artistic front. I did almost nothing, and I could have done less and still impressed David. Fine art is easy when you fall asleep and everyone-else does most of the work. I guess I’ve learned you can fail by doing nothing at all. Not that that helps me as an animator.

Did I learn anything about teamwork?

I’ve learned I can be left out of the teamwork process entirely and the rest of the team will see nothing wrong with it. It’s still great teamwork. I might as well not exist.

Also. If you get annoyed with them about it they will hold it against you. All I did was give them the finger. That would barely count as an insult in school. But they were still sore about it on Friday. I think people get more sensitive as adults rather than less.

Did I learn anything as a person?

I…. I’m not sure. I’ve learned my social skills in a group environment have not gone up with time. I was at least able to smooth things over with our leader. So that’s an improvement.

And I can see that when stressed the bad events cause and build upon each-other. But I don’t know how I could turn it around. I just hope the return to subject makes things easier.

Thoughts on the past few weeks in general.

I think it should be clear by now. But this hasn’t been fun. This was never going to be something I loved. But it feel like I’ve been plagued by bad luck for the past few weeks. Uncle Ben from the Spiderman comics would tell me the there’s no such thing as bad luck. Just opportunity, preparation, and confidence. That I’ve just had the wrong outlook. I will confess, I have not approached this with much confidence. And maybe to some extent I have been making it hard on myself. But can that really explain everything that has gone wrong?

I wasn’t feeling that bad about it until two weeks ago. I tried a new tactic. Of just sitting back and going with the flow, And that only worked out slightly better for me than my old tactics.

I was doing fine when fieldwork started in December. I was okay for the first two weeks back when it was a bit more solo-based. But the last two weeks have just been another disappointment.

If there is a next time I’ll try something else. But I’ve no idea what.

I’d like to be bit more positive in my outlook but this is another failure to discourage me. And I don’t know how to stay positive when it goes wrong again.

Maybe this was all just above my league. I’m a teamwork rookie who needs a game on easy, who was thrown into a game on Nightmare difficulty.

Or maybe I just suck.

Completion/ and Nepotism

Here are two Journals in one. I’ve put them together because they interconnect very strongly.

Completing the installation

In a previous post https://johnhawk.art.blog/2019/02/02/my-feelings-about-my-first-weeks-back/ I talked about the installation group task I was given and then unable to do due to none of our group members being avalible to work at the same time and a snow day with no snow.

I prayed that the other members were able to get something done behind my back. Even if I’d had time to work on my own I wouldn’t have had a clue what to do (Or what to use).

Well Monday rolled around and when I got to our set things were not good. Our leader was not in so we were a woman short, a hanging mobile with orange and black discs wasn’t up or even finished. A video and projector to project a looping video onto the wall were both missing. And there were bits and piece all over the floor.

I bought as a little time by asking we be seen last. But we only had about 20 minutes (That’s not long).

I tried cleaning up the mess for fear of getting in the way if I did anything more complicated. Then I was asked to make the string for the hanging on the mobile. But I was told the lengths I made were too short. In my defence. No one told me how long they were meant to be. Then again, I never asked.

When the time came to hang the mobile it was unbalanced. One of the four strings had nothing on it at all! And then it fell down anyway.

In the absence of a video projection we pulled out an old light projector and covered the top of it with all the cuttings of black and orange acetate (a sort of coloured film. It looks like this ) that I had gathered up earlier. On the one hand I’m glad it was being put to good use. But it felt irritating having to pull it out after putting it away. Still. It made a nice light show.

And we just threw the mobile and the rest of our materials on the floor.

So, in total. Our “installation” was made up of, four paintings on the wall that ranged from mediocre to awful. A light projection on the next wall where the colours and patterns where made from discarded acetate clippings (Basically, rubbish). And a pile of discarded art materials and a broken mobile thrown onto the floor. Also one marble that ended up in the piece by chance.

In short. A mess, with all the bits that were meant to give it theme and context either missing or broken. What else would you expect for a piece that had to be made in twenty minutes?

So of course the teacher and the other fine art students loved it.

That’s the nice thing about 21st century fine art. You can’t really fail at it. If anything can be art then what does it matter if it’s basically a mess made in the time it takes to watch an episode of The Simpsons?

There is an odd effect where viewers will assume a final piece is exactly the way the artist wanted it and imagined it in their heads. While the actual artist can see hundreds of mistakes, deviations and imperfections in their own work and can barely stand the sight of it. They think us wizards who can just poof something right out of our heads. Even the best artists can’t stand most of their own work. But the public just assumes the product and the vision are one and the same. I suspect this goes to the Nth degree for modern fine art where there are no standards of quality or technical methods. So of course whatever you make is perfect by virtue of its mere existence.

In all fairness, our group representative was completely honest about what it was meant to be, what happened, and what we ended up making. But none of the people there seemed to mind.

And that’s how the three of us got a pat on the back for failing miserably!

Did I learn anything about teamwork from this?

Nothing that I haven’t covered before…. It’s hard to be a great team when your never in the same room. I’ve learned again that I would hate the army. I can’t stand having to depend on someone-else for orders and ideas. And I’ve learned even the most dedicated team can’t make a masterpiece (Or even something presentable) in 20 minutes.

Now I can guess what a teacher would say to me next, or at least imply. “Okay then. Do you feel you are better teamwork then!? Do you like it more?”

The answer to both questions is no. This was a disaster. And I makes me more certain I am better on my own. At least the people I was working with were nice. But being nice isn’t what makes having a team work. It should be something more than than. Something that makes us more than the sum of our parts. But that happening seems to be a rare event. One you can’t force by shoving four random people together for a week, And one that can’t happen if I’m involved.

Have I gained any artistic knowledge or experience from this?…..

No.

I was basically someone-else’s errand boy during the little time I had to work on this. Doing menial jobs like tidying rubbish or carrying ladders. This was a fine art project and I was just the hired help. The most creative thing I did was make a terrible painting in an hour that wouldn’t be worth throwing on a fire.

Thanks for the experience Cardiff Met. I’m sure that will come in handy when I’m trying to survive in the art world (sarcasm).

There’s one more thing I want to talk about. This would normally go in an extra thoughts journal. But this project has got me thinking about this a lot.

Modern Art is Nepotism

Now I’m using this in the general rather than criminal sense of the word. So don’t be alarmed.

It seems to me that the art world is nepotism these days. Now there has always been an element of this. No artist ever makes it through pure talent. Even western Primitive artists like Alfred Wallis with no education in art or ties to the art world will get noticed by some critic, dealer, or professional artist who then spread word of them to the masses. Anyone who got famous was given a job or a spotlight by someone with means or influence. This even applies to people like Shakespeare or Beethoven. Someone looked at their work and said “I want this” Alfred Hitchcock would never have gotten anywhere if every film studio had turned him down. Maybe the internet and technology will change this but that remains to be seen. For now no-one ever gets big just through being really good.

But at least with old media you had to genuinely be good to last. All the influencers in the world cannot save a bad product. At best you can be James Cameron’s Avatar or the Matrix sequels. Makes a lot of money but basically forgotten or mocked within 5 to 10 years. But most of the time even if the studios/galleries and critics were all behind you but you made bad work it would not help at all. So nepotism was what would get you your break. But you had to be good to have any real success.

When it comes to modern fine art/post-modern art/conceptual art there is no way to make bad art. If it is made by an artist it is good. It doesn’t need to fit any criteria or meet any standards. It doesn’t need to fit any standards of beauty or even mean anything. Sitting in chair can be great work of art if you claim it to be. Just be sure to film yourself doing it so you have proof you did your art. And remember. The sitting in the chair is the art. Not the recording of it.

So if anything can be a great work of art then why can’t I make a huge chunk of money by just taking a walk and filming it? The answer: Status. In modern art your status is what gets you work respect rather than your work giving you status.

When Marcel Duchamp put a urinal in an art gallery he had was only able to do so because he had the connections to do so, albeit under the pseudonym ‘R Mutt’. And when it came under attack he was considered notable enough that his defence of R Mutt was considered worth listening to in its own right. And he had friends, defenders and contacts to back him up who were also considered of note. If R Mutt had been a real person, some nobody from the New York slums, his urinal would have been thrown out before and that would have been the end of it. Duchamp was clear that there was no deeper meaning or aesthetic value to the work. And to to to do so was vile heresy. All that mattered was that he declared it art. The work itself has no value. The only value it has is that Duchamp “made” it. This idea has been applied to other works of non-art like a tin of an artist’s excrement. A sealed box full of an artist’s breath. And a walk taken by an artist. I have also breathed, excreted, and walked. I do all three almost everyday. Why don’t I have tons of money and a page on the Tate website? The answer is connections. They had connections in the art world. I don’t. Nepotism.

This ties back into the garbage I made on Monday. It had no skill put into it. No value. And anything that could have given it meaning was missing. So why did it get praise from the teacher and the fine art students? Because they new the people who worked on it. And being part of the clique gave it value. Where as anyone who didn’t know us would have not even know it was a single work of art. As opposed to a four “paintings” and a mess on the floor. We did not got praised on any merit in our work. We got by on Nepotism.

One last point I want to make. This last two weeks have been focused entirely on the fine art students. As a group we have been tasked to make fine art things. Video pieces and installations. Even the language is aimed towards fine art. The subtext for us animators has been “Just go along and work in some ideas you picked up in Animation if you want to”. Why wasn’t one of the tasks to make an animation and the fine art students could follow our lead?

I feel like the message being sent across the Field module is that we are second-class students. That we need to be more like them. But this is not true. Unlike modern art, in animation you do have to try your hardest. It’s a skill. You can do it badly. If I can’t get a motion right everyone will see and judge me lacking. If I don’t learn to do it well I will be passed over for more skilled animators.

Why is it I am still being pressured to choose something other than animation? I tried my hand at metal work, screen printing, painting, sculpture, illustration, photography and fabric in the years it took to get to uni. Most of them I did not because I wanted to. But because I was asked to so I could comply with the courses. And comply I have. And every time I turned back to animation. And now I feel like I being pressured to reconsider the mess that is modern “Fine art”. Please stop doing this! How long do I have to try other fields before I am allowed to become an animator!

This hurts.

My strange photos of light

I’m a bit late to this part of the Field module. I started it when I got the brief. I had some good photos too. But then I lost my camera. I thought I’d just forget about it. But it has since been made clear to me that this is a mandatory part of the course. So i borrowed an Ipad and took some photos. Let’s get this over with.

The brief was to take photographs of light and shadow interacting in interesting ways. I decided to approach this by trying to take the strangest photos I could. Playing tricks with the camera to see create illusions or even abstract pictures, and a couple that just look cool. I hope they impress.

This is not the moon, or a photo of the sun from space. It’s a disc-shaped fluorescent light up close. You can see it again in the photo below. And yes, the light is on.

For some reason up close the camera can’t show the lit area around the light when the photograph is up close to the light. It will only show the light itself and cast the wall behind it in a darkness that isn’t there. Creating the illusion that the light is just floating in space. I love it!

Also score one for humans. I can see light where the camera can’t.

Here’s one where light and shadow zig-zag. This is an open room that turns into a corridor. The room is well lit, but the corridor is only partially lit. Casting shadow into the centre of the picture. Almost sucking you in. The only thing keeping the darkness at bay is the disc light from the above photo. Surrounded by shadow, it seems to shine in the darkness.

There’s also darkness at the top the photo. Where the downwards-facing room light does not reach. And a little dark near the bottom of frame as well.

A room may seem well lit. but it is covered in darkness and shadows.

Here’s another example of the up-close light illusion. This time using a square ceiling light. The camera is further away this time. Meaning the ceiling can be seen. But it still looks like it’s in darkness. Once again, I assure you. The room is fully lit up. The camera just can’t show it at this distance. I don’t know how it works. But I love the atmosphere it has. Moody but also chill and relaxed and kinda playful. Like an album cover. I could see in on an indie or Prog rock album.

Here’s another neat gimmick I came across. What do you think that green light is? Is it coming off the lamp? Maybe it’s a lense flare? Actually it’s light being reflected off the very Ipad I’m using. But perfectly angled to look like the ceiling light is directly causing it, Plus it just looks cool

I don’t even know what’s going on here. Not only does this light seem to be shining way brighter than it actually is. But there seems to be a semi-solid halo coming out of it.

I took multiple versions of most these and just showing the best ones. But If you see one the variants I took of this one

You’ll see the “halo” isn’t there. But the light is shining even brighter than before.

It must have been something about that specific angle and distance that caused the halo effect.

Speaking of variants. My friend MacCory was very keep to help out we did a lot of shadow work using either his hands or wire mesh projected onto a wall. Here are some of the best examples,

I don’t know why white light turns blue so easily. But the effect here is downright sinister, And the distortion on the shadow causes it to not even look like a hand at all. More like some sort of alien creature.

Showing the power of manipulation again. The hand is now in view. But the shadow it casts looks more like the Tower of Sauron from The Lord of the Rings. You would never know a hand was creating this ominous silhouette.

And now we have gone back into abstraction. Not only would you not guess that this is the shadow of an arm without me telling you or context. I bet most people would not even guess this is a shadow.

And shadows don’t just come in cold blue. I really don’t know how we got so many colours in here. Orange, red, pink, blue and little touches of green and purple. It seems more like a gentle watercolour painting than a photograph.

As I said earlier. MacCory also helped me do photos with wire mesh shadows projected onto a wall. Out of all of them, I think this one is the best.

Once more, totally abstract and I love it. It looks like another album cover. But this time more like something from an industrial rock band or an experimental musician.

There’s a rhythm and an elegance to these harsh shadows that I find quite haunting.

But I did do more figurative work as well.

There is no illusion with this one. Beyond maybe getting a good angle. Avias was working late after everyone else had gone home (Apart from me). She hadn’t turned the lights on, so she was illuminated by the glow from her monitor, Her deep black hair blended in nicely with the shadows. Making it look like her face is floating in the darkness. It gives her an oddly calm and angelic look. I like it.

Light is a very tricky thing. Here is a corner that divides two corridors. One lit, the other not the difference is almost literally night and day. All I had to do was zoom in and this plaster structure starts looking like painting or even some kind of flag. So precise is the divide of light from dark. Of black from white.

This might be my favourite illusion. It seems to be a view of nature at night fenced off from a street. But in the top left corner there is a row of computers in a well lit room. How can this be? Is it a collage? Did I edit this in photoshop? No! I never learned how to use photoshop! All my pictures are unedited and taken in the moment.

This photo is taken from window next to my desk, looking down onto the park. The row of computers is in the room behind me The bright lights turn the window into a semi-effective mirror. But I am blocking out most of the light Allowing the camera to see the view bellow. In fact you can see my rather distorted hand near the bottom left corner. It’s a neat trick and just a cool looking image over all.

Here a good example of how light can take a away an objects definition. Look at this radiator. The top half of it is in shade and the lines of the grill are in sharp relief. But down below where lit is lit up the lines just fade away. I like how the shadows zig-zags with wall. It’s not what you’d think. But that’s life. I always has cool surprises for you

And finally this is my favourite pic I made. It’s of the two overhead lights in the Heart space (a sort of breakroom/common room in the animation block) at night. Even when all the lights are turned off there’s a small green light that glows in one of the overhead fixtures I don’t know why it does. Maybe as a safety precaution? But it looks beautiful. It casts an eerie, mystical glow onto the other fixture and the wall behind it. It’s like nothing-else I’ve seen. So faint but so peaceful. It’s this magical little secret that people pass by everyday and never know is there.

By rendering of it here has reduced it to its simplest components A light, a disk, and faintly illenmened wall somewhere behind it. I has a nostalgic quality to me. Like the first time you see a real full moon. It reminds me of music of REM. Sad, but fun and a little exciting and comforting.

This one makes me genuinely glad I did this exercise. It has enriched me both artistically and personally. So for that it has to be my favourite one here.

And there you go. I put a lot of effort into this journal. I hope it was worth it.

My feelings about my first weeks back

This has been crazy. Both the pacing and the work has been all over the place.

I missed my first day back due to circumstances beyond my control. The second day

I was allowed to make drawn on film animation. I talked about this extensively in my Journal ‘Holy Relics’, linked here.

https://johnhawk.art.blog/2019/01/17/holy-relics/

And then for the rest of the week I had nothing to do. The only part of note was getting some minimal feedback on my final Constellation essay and a writing task to give feedback to myself, linked here

https://johnhawk.art.blog/2019/01/22/a-reflection-on-my-constellation-essay-and-my-future-in-constellation-or-i-have-no-idea-what-im-writing/

I covered the second week’s field exercise in detail in this journal

https://johnhawk.art.blog/2019/01/29/my-first-real-week-back/

The next day I came in to try out the workshops that have been so vigorously advertised in our emails. But when I arrived I found the class postponed indefinitely due to our room being taken by someone-else. Instead I found myself given online reading material I could have just looked at at home and no practical work at all.

On Thursday I had my first day of my new constellation class. And I found I hated it. I can see constellation is going to be even more of a drag this year than it was before.

Now moving on to the third week of The new term.

After two weeks were field seemed to involve no collaboration The third week hit me like a tidal wave. I suddenly found myself in a group of people I knew nothing about and tasked to make a film with them?

I felt no urge to try to get my voice heard over the short-haired six-foot tall woman who designated herself our leader, I think without even knowing she was doing it. I merely sat on the sidelines, offering glib remarks while wearing a paint bucket on my head to try to weird them out. It didn’t work. But somehow I ended up in the as the only human in the film. Playing the aforementioned paint bucket like a bongo. I emulated Ringo Starr and just went with the flow while playing the drums. I don’t think the other students liked our film. But the good thing about having no standards is it means you can’t fail. But that was just Monday.

On Tuesday we we put back into the same groups and told to make an installation that used elements of 2D, 3D and 4D art. This project was supposed to last the whole week. But things didn’t go to plan. I had enough time on Tuesday to make a pretty terrible painting (It was A1 paper and it had to be done in an hour. What did you expect?) Then I had to go home.

I had two workshops to attend on Wednesday. And it felt nice to be doing real work relating to animation. But two workshops in one day was a lot to take on. I promised I’d meet up with the rest of group at midday. But when I got there I found only one other member had turned up. And she didn’t think it was worth doing anything so nothing happened that day.

Nearly all of Thursday was given over to Constellation. Again, it sucked. I was hoping to get something done after constellation. But Owen was insistent I come to a lecture he was giving to explain how constellation is valuable to our animation. So I got no work on this installation done then either. And on top of that the lecture didn’t make the self-indulgent academic misfire that is Constellation any more justified. Or even put forward an argument as to why it could be. Owen is still a better lecturer than the actual constellation tutors. But he only gave his own thoughts on modernist art rather than show why I need to be studying anthropology when I should be working on Field.

And on Friday campus was closed due to non-existent snow. (At least I didn’t see any)

So on Monday I have to go in and present and talk about then write an essay on an installation piece that I had barely anything to do with and might not even exist!

This is not good enough. I’m being pulled in multiple different directions by different college departments who all think I can dedicate all my time to them. It’s not that it’s the highest workload, I’ve had worse. But it’s totally unbalanced and uncoordinated. In a good course if I needed a full week to make a big project the rest of the week would be cleared so I could do it. But as is I have to make the time. This crammed balancing act actually feels like more work than a busier but simpler schedule would.

I have some other complaints.

This “collaboration” exercise is a joke. For two reasons.

Firstly. Being left to direct ourselves sounds good until you realise most of us are never free at the same time. We’re usually not even in the same building. And if our leader isn’t in (like on Wednesday) then we can’t do anything. We’re lost. This would be less likely to happen if we were all doing the same module, or given space in our timetable but we got neither.

The other complaint is the though this is meant to be a collaboration between the Animation and

Fine Art students, the exercises are purely Fine Art focused. Turning me into a third wheel at best and someone-else’s slave at worst. I don’t even like modern “Fine Art”. Why am I being conscripted into someone-else’s vision at the expense of my own? I’d be angrier about this if I had time to do the the drudge work I was given. But in this instance one bad idea got in the way of another. But seriously. This is not a teamwork exercise. It’s an unpaid internship to the “Real” artists. And next week I have to write a critical essay on this disaster.

Which brings me to my final complaint with the term so far. In Field I’m stuck “Collaborating” with the Fine artists. And in constellation I’m listening to pseudo-science about how smell is more important than sight. I’m not doing any animation here. I’m not even studying things related to animation. This is not what I signed up for. WHY AM I HERE!?!?!?!

The only things related to animation going on right now are the voluntary workshops. I feel like I’m back at school again. Doing subjects I didn’t ask for. Stuck interacting with people I don’t know and have nothing in common with. And trying to fight for my own path.

I’m really worried about my future. If my will to work collapses I don’t know what will happen. I’ve flunked out over less. I don’t want to drop out again.

Help.

My first real week back

It’s felt weird coming back here. I don’t have the drive to create or push myself as I used to. Let’s hope I can turn it around.

Monday:

After a reintroduction week that was a bit too lax for my liking, Monday through me to the wolves. We were tasked to make an avant-garde sculpture with movable parts. To be made out of wood, metal, and other industrial materials. And it had to be done in one day! The movable parts were necessary so it could be filmed the next day as part of a group animation collage. All of our sculptures are to be animated, then the animations will be compiled into a film.

We were shown a selection of 20th century sculptures as possible guides. I found them all very ugly and not at all inspiring. But I did notice one name that stuck out to me Naum Gabo. An artist hold in esteem. I thought about it and decided to take inspiration from his ‘Spiral Theme’ work.

Irregular, imperfect, and haunting

I too would use the spiral theme. It is instantly recognisable, simple to make, and it would make for interesting movements. More than a little cynical on my part. But I had a tight deadline to meet,

It only took me few minutes to have the thing designed and planned out in my head. That’s the beauty of my mind. It can visualise things quickly. But I had help. The teacher in question, Sarah,

Gave me advice on what materials to use and how to put them together, without which I would have been lost. For that I am extremely grateful.

I used to study sculpture before moving to animation, But I was extremely rusty. And I was never great at woodwork. My drillwork was sloppy, My attempts to get things the right size or length often backfired spectacularly. And in one embarrassing moment I cut the wrong piece of wood off. I was able to counter all these mistakes in the end. But I think all the adjusting meant the sculpture came out smaller than it should have. But it came out pretty much as I imagined it. An asymmetrical disk with a pattern and surface similar to a cockle shell.

I like it. The design echos early abstract sculpture of the type in the time of Gabo. But it is smoother and gentler. Like a thing out of nature. It has an air of mystery to it. And the way it spins around reminds me of a toy.

There are two bits of fin-shaped mesh on either side. Part of the brief was to make sculptures that would cast interesting shadows. I focused on making it move. But the fins will make sure there is some shadow on the thing as well as underneath it.

At the last minute I added a plasticine ball to the top. Partly to make it more asymmetrical. And partly to echo a pearl. To add extra weight to the shell influence. (The “Pearl” rolls around the disk in the first animation but not in the other two).

Even some of my mistakes came out in my favour. The hole in the centre of the work is at an angle thanks to my poor drilling. Meaning the disk is at an angle instead of being parallel to its base and the surface the base is on.. But I like that. It looks cool. And it gives it a more organic look. In keeping with the shell theme.

The dick itself is made out of a cardboard base with foam tubing making its body. I had a lot of fun putting it together. But I had to glue the foam on, and near the end I burned myself with the hot glue gun. That was not so fun.

I have been told that I should be taking photographic evidence of my physical work as i make it, like I did in my sculpture days in local college. I wish somebody had told me this earlier. Like say last September! Never mind. I’ll do what I can. I hope for now this written account of the work will do.

But I don’t see the point. These journals are supposedly for showing my growth. Showing the nuts and bolts of making the art just gets in the way. Maybe I’ll put those bits in seperate folder. Filled as “tedious rubbish” perhaps. It’s certainly boring and uninformative to write about. I can’t see how it would be fun to read.

Also I guess I need to buy a new Camera. I lost mine last year. This sucks.

Tuesday:

The next day I put the final touches to my sculpture and took it down to be animated. I was again working alone. So far this collaboration project hasn’t involved much collaboration.

I was very stubborn about needing a tripod to film smoothly. With one secured I started filming. Turns out I was a bit out of practice when it came to stop-motion. Despite my best efforts my speed and pacing were off. Some continuity mistakes crept in. and most embarrassingly a LOT of frames have my hand in them. I was able to dial it down a bit as I went on.

To make it extra animat I made the ball roll around the disc in the opposite direction to which the disc was spinning. This required a lot of hard work and I wasn’t able to make the speed of it consistent. Hence why I let the ball stay static in the other two tests. But I still think it looks good.

For the second test Morgan was keen I do the animating while holding the camera. This sounded like an insane idea, It would be impossible to get consistent footage. So I decided to not even try. I filmed as badly as I could. The camera is indeed all over the place. But Morgan actually liked the result. And strangely so do I. It has a manic energy that my work normally doesn’t have.

Fiddling around with the program settings I found that the camera had been filming on twos. That’s why I had gotten so much done in such a short amount of time. While I was grateful I was also annoyed. I like to film ones where possible. So for my third test I vowed to do the whole thing on ones and get a large chunk of footage while doing it.

To try to get some interesting lighting and shadows I turned off one of my lamps and put a blue-green plastic filter over the remaining one. None of the that tinting in post nonsense for me. Do it right or not at all.

To try to get a nicer result I timed the movements very carefully. I wanted to keep the disc turning at a constant speed. Like a wheel. It didn’t really work. The end result looks janky and a bit stiff. But it still has smoother animation than the first two tests.

The smoother movement and blue-green lighting gives it an ethereal, unearthly look. I like it a lot. Maybe I can use it as inspiration for something else down the line.

Anyhow. Here are all three tests in a single video. Enjoy!

Once again McCory helped me edit it on the computer. But I was able to do parts of it myself and uploaded it to youtube on my own. I think I maybe be starting to get the hang of this whole computer editing thing. Let’s hope. I think up loading many small projects and getting used to the process is the way to go. Let’s hope I have something good soon!

Holy Relics

First journal of the year.

On my first day back I was tasked to do something awesome. I was asked to make some short animation by painting onto 16 Millimeter film.

This was a dream come true. Drawn on Film animation is a classic style that has made many unique short films. It was a favourite medium of the Mozart of animation, Norman Mclaren. Here’s an example of his work.

So I was hyped to get to work. I was given enough film to make 12 seconds of footage. Though I only made about five seconds.

This will be added to a short film made by the the class. Each one of us has made footage in this style and the result I’m sure will be a very interesting abstract collage. I hope to be able to upload my little piece of footage on it’s own in time.

I had great fun making it. I hope to do more in this style.

While I was doing it I found myself working with a fellow student named Dan. He was also behind on work and like me was catchin up on this project. He seems to have been battling with the same agoraphobia and anxiety That I have been dealing with for the past four years. In fact the reason why I had never met him was because like me back in 2016 his agoraphobia had stopped him from coming into class for a whole term. I give him what advice I could on dealing with it and I hope he can learn to live with it. I’ll help him if I can.

The main thing I want to talk about was what happened after I stopped animating. I was pretty tired by the half past two and want to call it quits. So Tom came in and manually cut the film and added it to the existing film footage. Genuine 20th century low-tech. It was strangely elegant in a lumbering, manual way. Certainly more exciting than computer editing. Afterwards he wound the film onto a reel. I asked if I could hold it. It seemed strange to me that dispite having been a film fan since I was thirteen I’d never held or even seen a genuine film reel. Holding it felt strange, but nice, almost like coming home. It had a nice weight to it. It was strange to think this circle of metal and celluloid was or at least contained a work of art. And that all the great movies I loved from the past were made of several of these things. So small and unassuming. But containing great power.

But that was just the start. Tom took me and Dan to a room with an old fashioned film projector. An elegant machine virtually unchanged from the sort used a hundred years ago. Once again it was strange and exciting seeing one of these things for real for the first time. I imagine that this must be similar to how people in the middle age felt upon seeing the relics of great saints. I can see the impetus for movies like Last Action Hero and Purple Rose of Cario. This thing really does feel magical. The whiring sound and the flicking light that I had seen so often in movies but never actually experienced made me feel like I was actually in a movie myself. Tom said that he thinks classic film will never really go away. That’s like Vinyl and CDs. A I thin he might be onto something.

I love being around these holy relics of cinema. I could get used to working with them.

When the film rolled and we saw our animations play it was wonderful. I got a little too excited when I saw my little fragment on screen. A long time ago my drawing teacher, Van Howell, asked me what I thought it felt like when you do a really good drawing. After I made my guess he told me that after doing a great drawing you want to do another one. And that’s how I’ve been feeling about the drawn on film animation. I want to do more. I think about coming in just to do it. Maybe I should. I’d never considered this could be for me. But i guess that’s why you go to uni. To have your mind expanded. And sometimes it even happens!

The Missing Element: Part 2 (Or Two Christians, a lesbian, and a bi-sexual make a Satanic Church)

Well here we are again. Me trying to write a whole bunch of stuff so I can pass this project.

Here’s what happened to me yesterday.

It turned out that the interior set project was directly colberative. Meaning I would have to actually work with others here. Well. I said I’d try when I signed up for this. And at least four is easier than twenty.

I was paired off with Ren, Molly and Jack. Three people I had never spoken to as far as I can remember. And I decided to just sit back and let others take the lead.

We talked for a bit. But as we were at our desks we are all in a straight line It put molly and Ren in the centre and me and Jack at the edges.I noticed Molly and Ren were doing most of the talking, Jack chipped in sometimes, and I was mostly lost as to what was going on. I could only really talk to Molly, Not really to Ren and not at all to Jack or he to me. So of course the girls were doing most of the talking as they had the most access to others.

It was then it occured to me that group projects in real space are fundamentally undemocratic, Because whoever has the best pace has the most power. And those on the edges automatically have less power,

Our first job was two just go down and pick a building from our model city to make a room for. Everyone-else had the same idea. They all turned different lights on and off to get the most dramatic lighting possible. Amidd the endless chatter and noise I found myself retreating into my 12-year-old-student self. Not thinking “How can I make a great work of art” or “How can I improve myself” but, “Just sit back. Do as little as possible. And hope this day ends soon”.

Eventually the girls settled on a spikey building with a red light that they felt looked like a “Church of Satan”. Keen to just get this over with, I did not argue or make any counter suggestion. Or say anything for that matter.

Once we set up at our work station I just sat there and did nothing. I said I would do anything I was asked to but couldn’t think of anything to do myself. The others were exactly happy about this and tried to encourage me to do my own thing. But the idea of butting heads over creative decisions meant I wanted to stay in the follower/general helper role.

As the girls got to designing my role fell into throwing out general information about satanism and devil worship. Of which it turns out I know more than most people. One of my factoids, the look of the actual Satanic cross [pictured below]

actually made it into the final project. Which I feel proud of.

I found Ren and Molly were nice and they listened to what I had to say. When I felt it was relevant to bring up that I am a Christian neither of them were derogatory or weirded-out. Which was a relief. There was some definite jokes at Christianity’s expense. We were making a satanic church after all. But nothing too annoying. I was able to give the girls my assurance that no-one religious would take offence to the work we were making. I sighted Christopher Lee. A man with a strong respect for christianity and a distrust of the occult “You’ll not only lose your mind, but you’ll lose your soul” (University College Dublin, 2011) Spent his life playing monsters, demons, wizards and devil worshipers. For him it was an act. A persomence. A work of art. And most importantly, a job. And that’s what this was for me too, A job.

If that failed I could have also used Alice Cooper. Rock villain on stage and devout Christian in real life.

Later Jack said that he himself was a Roman Catholic. So there were two Christians working on making a model satanic church. Imagine that.

As things became more practical I got more involved. My first major contribution was finding some black acrylic paint. Off which I felt a bit too proud.

Then I was given the task of making the benches for our church. Which I botched spectacularly. We all laughed about it, and I decided to try again. And I think they came out a lot better than they would have if I’d gotten the right on the first time. So I guess Lisa Simpson was right. Sometimes a crisis is also an opportunity

After a while I had developed a degree of trust and even liking for my teammates. I noticed Our church had a satanic bible but no lectern. Unprompted I volunteered to make it myself. Something I had not expected to do for anything at the start of the day.

I made it out of cardboard, and m cutting work seemed to have improved a lot from the making of the pyramid. I glued it together and then painted it a dark purple. To stand out from the reds, blacks and whites in the rest of set. I even added a plasticine ledge to hold the satanic bible in place.

All this unprompted and unguided. I mentioned a few journals back that there is some unseen element that makes people partake in group work even when there is no reward, failstate or friendship at play. The fact I was able to do this work on the lectern suggests that whatever this missing element is, I have a little bit of it, somewhere.

Today I came in and found Molly and Ren absent. I had to put the finishing touches to the film myself.

Strangely. I found working off someone-else’s plan on my own rather easy. Even relaxing.

I made the curtains and put them up. I then added the satanic symbols to the walls. And now the model was ready to go.

Tom and I lit and filmed it. And I think we got some atmospheric shots of it. Tom then gave the footage to Jack. Who will hopefully edit it into the film and add in effects and animation. For the moment, my work here is done.

This would be an unremarkable piece of group work for most people. But for me this was a success of the kind I have not had in years. I hope it can be a learning experience for the rest of the field module. But at the least. I was able to do okay in this part of it, which means hopefully I can do okay later.

Paralysing Fear and Building the Pyramid

I was thinking of posting these as two separate journals. But given I’ve already posted one today and these two things link together I decided just to post them in one Journal.

Paralysing Fear:

When I was given the rundown on the brief I could feel bad memories from similar group-based work setting my hair on end. The idea of having to work around other people. Fight for my vision, or at least fight to not have someone-else for their vision onto me. Designing a city. Trying to make a story with other people. Try to do things because I wanted to and not out of the need to be different. Just thinking about these things was stressful. Not to mention all the planning and designing that would be needed.I wanted out I really wanted to escape. Kierkegaard once said something to the effect of “If you can still complain about your problems you can bare them. It’s people who can’t talk about them who are in trouble.

And sure enough I was at a point where I felt unable to speak with fear and pain.

It is strange to think that memories you haven’t thought about in years or even decades can freeze you up.

I know that some would say this is an opportunity to move past those bad experiences. And maybe something like this on a smaller scale, with less people, and less at stake could be good for me if I tried. But this feels like being thrown into to deep end with not even a flotation device in reach. Can you see why I’m frightened?

I talked to Owen about it and was able to get some leeway.The brief required us all to make buildings out of card or cardboard for a model city. I could make a building in my own time separate from the rest of the class. And I could make whatever I wanted without running it by the others. This took a lot of the pressure off me. In my mind I gave my building up to the group. They can do whatever they want with it once it’s finished. It’s not my vision but I don’t need to partake in someone-else’s vision instead. A little sad. But doable.

What also helped was being given two days off to finish my constellation work. Being able to prioritise my jobs makes things a lot easier.

*********

Building the Pyramid

Knowing I wouldn’t have much time to work in I went for a pyramid. The simplest shape I could think of that wouldn’t be boring. I knew the others would probably go for a Sci-Fi look. So I took inspiration from the movie ‘Blade Runner’, which has a giant pyramid in the centre of its city. Though there are real cities today with pyramids in them. The entrance to the Louvre in Paris is a giant glass pyramid. And Rome has a real Egyptian pyramid outside its city centre. I was there earlier this year. So this choice has plenty of president behind it.

There was also a bit of ego in evolved. I knew some people would complete to make the tallest building. So I chose to make the widest. The most physically present and monumental (I guess all that reading about Minimalism did pay off). And sure enough. As of now it is the widest building in the model city. And you cannot overlook it. It dwarfs many of the buildings around it. It has a strong presence in the city and adds to it atmosphere. What more could I ask for?

I found making it easier than I thought it would be. I think my fear and paranoia was still getting to me.I should have known how to make a model out of card just fine. But at the time I was convinced I didn’t and kept asking for advice. In the end Tom found materials for me. And later Morgan helped me out too. And I’m grateful to both of them for that.

I measured and cut the piece myself. And I rather botched it trying to do it quickly. To the point I had to use a guillotine to sharpen the edges and recut them to be the same size. But I botched that too which caused all the pieces to shrink dramatically in size. And they still weren’t all the right side. I clearly don’t work well when I’m rushing myself. I need to pre-plan so I can feel sure of doing the processes right. In the end I just attacked the larger pieces with a knife. And got them almost down to the same size. But now the edges were ruined. I felt a bit like this

And about as dignified.

Sadly the piece still came out very uneven. I cut bits off with a scalpel while putting it together and it still looks awkward and clumsy.

Like I said Morgan helped me put it all together. I held the pieces while he sellotaped them into place. That was great of him.

To add a bit of spice to the piece I asked if I could put a design on it. I was told I could as long as it was all in black (Something to do with the digital effects that will be added in later I think). I knew What I wanted. I chose to paint a Triquetra.

A symbol of the Holy Trinity.

Obviously it would fit onto a pyramid very nicely. But this was more than just an aesthetic choice. I liked the idea of subtly Christianizing an object associated with paganism. If Ridley Scott could transform his pyramids into something new why couldn’t I?

There was also a degree of mischief to this choice. I considered making a church for this project. But that would have required more work than I wanted to do. Also I’m sure my hardcore atheist classmates would have had a fieldday with such a pious display. So this was my way of sneaking a church in without anyone noticing.

I painted the triquetra on with black acrylic, using my fingers. I’ve often used finger painting in my serious art before. It gives me more control and stronger marks. And again, it saves a lot of time. The end result looks like a Franz Kline painting. Weird and menacing and I like it a lot. I think my triquetra adds a lot of personality not only to the pyramid. But to the city as a whole. I’m not often pleased with my own art work but this I am happy with.

Owen helped me film the model on set. So it will be there in the final film. And like I’ve said I think I looks pretty good. It fits in well with then other buildings. And now I bequeath it to the project. What other people do with it in the final film is their choice. I let it be part of someone-else’s vision now.

Now that that’s done. I need to think of something for the next part of the project. I need to make an interior with interesting lighting now.

Wish me luck!

Getting things in order

One reason I feel so terrified of this current project is the juggling act it asks me to do with my Constellation work. I feel most comfortable working in a linear fashion. Doing first one project. Finishing it. And only then starting the next one. But at the moment we’re being asked to do the exact opposite of that. I have two vitally important, unskippable tasks that I am supposed to do at the same time and for the same deadline Can you understand why this is stressing me out?

I was given a little reprieve to spent two days at home doing my Constellation work. This was a massive relief. But when I got back on Friday I found I was somehow already behind schedule

What really annoys me is of the two huge pieces of work we are meant to do the Field piece is allegedly the more important one. But it is something that was just dropped on us at random in the last two weeks of term. While the Constellation piece is the sum-total of everything we have learned and have been building towards in Constellation over these past three months. So can you blame me if that one feels more important?

The Constellation and Subject/Field modules don’t so much compliment each other as they get in each other’s way. Like a pitched battle and a gardening class.

The lack of communication between the people who run these modules is mind-blowing.

It all seems to be predicated on the model of “The Students will make it all fit together. Somehow”.