Category: Extra thoughts

For my MA animation I want to make a homage to the colour blue. Blue is the strangest, most magical and changeable of colours.

Megaman was made blue because it was the colour with the most shades on the Nintendo Entertainment System. In the book ‘River Boy’ a painting of a river, all in blue, hides a secret second image.  Yves Klein painted over 200 blue paintings. He felt blue represented the immaterial, space, and the infinite, and I can see why.

In my own work I’ve found blue is the only colour other than grey that looks like a natural bridge between black and white. In fact, in painting in grey I’ve found something interesting. Most of the time grey looks like either brown or blue; and brown isn’t even on the colour wheel. It’s a very strange colour.

For my Masters, I would like to make a film that shows the malleability and strangeness of blue paint. Specifically watercolour. How it varies, strays and changes as you paint with it, and I want to make an animation out of it. Ever since I became interested in being an animator I’ve wanted to make a painted animation; like those of Petrov, Norstien, Leaf, and Orlova. To work in the realest and most beautiful form of animation I feel there is.

I would use this year to make my first real animation. Something that could be shown in festivals and art shows. Something to show my love for slow, intricate animations where colours are allowed to change, flicker and wave and speak. And to show just how much blue can do it. How mystical it feels. And how illuminating it is. Even at its darkest.

The film would be three minutes long. Showing forms of different shades of blue slowly moving and changing. I hope it will be deliberate and entrancing. That a viewer could get caught up in individual little movements. Like seeing different pieces fit together in a game of tetris. As the film comes to an end the shades of blue come together to make a peaceful visual silence.

I hope to use music in this piece. Something to give it a feeling of transcendence and to make it easier for people to get into. I want a classical piece. All piano. Relaxing and gentle.  But also mystical and inviting, and maybe a little scary. But all subdued Something between Patrick Hawes and Tangerine Dream. I would like the piece to be composed for animation. Timed to the piece if possible, so it all feels like one.

I feel the advent of digital animation has made us lose something. I wish we could have had an extra hundred or two-hundred years with the camera but without the computer. But it is what it is it is and I’m not going to become an artistic shut in pining for the past. I do want to show that the limits of what analogue art and animation can do haven’t been fully tapped yet. Especially in asphetitics and precision. If I am tasked to write an essay for this, I would make it about all the strange experiments animation did before digital homogenised everything and how there is still more that could be done.

I don’t want to fall into bitterness. Trying to pull history back. That would be fruitless. History never goes back. But This is path that excites me, and I want to see where it goes.

So what do think Marge?

All I need is a title.

I was thinkin’ along the lines of “No TV and No Beer make Homer something, something.

don’t mind if I do

It’s been hard.

No. hard barely covers it.

I started writing this journal back in the beginning of February. if that doesn’t tell you how hard this year has been. I don’t know what will.

My first two weeks weren’t good at all. I’d been feeling a massive amount of winter blues over the holidays. When I arrived I was kinda out of it. Tired all the time and not wanting to do anything at all, let alone go out. Sometimes, if I’m feeling down or agoraphobic I take one day off, to breath. I didn’t go in four for days straight. Not good. On Friday I went in for an hour. I didn’t even do anything. It was hard enough just getting there.

The next week I went in without doing any work a twice. Maybe three times. I might have done a bit of sketchbook drawing. I’m not sure. Everything about those weeks was a blur.

Somewhere in the second week I was talking to someone on Discord who was wheelchair bound due to cerebral-palsy. He used to travel all over the world. Now that’s mostly over. It made me feel so sad. I felt like I couldn’t go outdoors. But he genuinely couldn’t. It seemed so wrong to me. The world isn’t meant to be box that you can’t escape from. It got me to take a walk. Just a short walk. But it was a step out.

I really thought I was going to crash out and burn again. That I just wouldn’t get anything done and drop out. But I told myself. “The hardest line is always the first. Do that. Just do one line, and you’re doing something.” So that’s how it started. The first key was the hardest drawing I’ve ever done. But a lot of that was just how much pressure I felt was on it. This was the first key. If I couldn’t get this right, I wouldn’t be able to do the thing at all. I felt I had to get this perfect. But I told myself to just make something passable. That was hard enough. and hard to stomach.

I think it took two days. Maybe three. But I did it. And it was indeed passable. Good passable even.

Things weren’t easy. I started going in once a day for just an hour. Doing what little I could. After a while I was doing one drawing a day. These were hard drawings. Keys. I had to make these look good. But I did drawing that were okay. Not perfect, and not totally like the character sheet. But I worked hard to make the poses like the ones on the storyboard. I couldn’t just copy them. The poses had to be adjusted to make them more real and give them more weight. They also had to be moved around to fit the finished background. And making the expressions right was hard. Not as blazingly hard as it has been in the past (mostly) but it was tiring.

I started pushing myself after a bit. Granted I was spending a lot of time just walking around. Maybe reading comic books. Making myself do anything was hard. But after a while I was doing 2 and half drawings a day. I started feeling something strange, hope. Though I was still retreating into myself when I got home. Not able to go out even for food. And I was still skipping most Mondays.

Then an end started to come in sight. I saw I was getting close to the number of keys I needed. It was unbelievable I was doing something. I vowed when I only had a few drawings left I’d go in and stay in till the last key was done. I stayed in till 14:30. I was exhausted. But I did it. I never thought I’d get that far. But I did.

Talking to Morgan I found he would rather I’d done keys with a “Shape character sheet”. Like a basic character sheet but with all the characters reduced down to simple shapes. Once again, I’m sure he’s completely correct. But I’m very glad I did it this way. Going over the most intimidating obstacle in the whole thing, doing the character expressions, has given me a huge confidence boost. I now feel like I can do this! Granted I’m not sure I will get it done. Time is not on my side. But I’m going to try. I now at least believe I have the capacity to do this. I’ve also been coming in for longer too. Frequinely in till 2 in the afternoon. But sometimes I’ve even stayed in till 4:00. I will need to start staying in longer if I want to get anywhere close to finishing this though.

With all that done Owen and Morgan asked me to film all the keys to see how they read. I wasn’t sure why. But I did as they asked and I think it came out alright. Had a bit of an early Disney look to it. With Owen and Morgan giving me the green light. i could now make real animation. But First I had to make a shape character sheet. But that proved easy enough.

Slipping back into animation felt nice. Like a nice bath after a long day. This is where I feel most comfortable. Working with timing and spacing.

I’ve made little samples. I think I have a few seconds of footage. I hope to show it and my drawings soon on this blog. But right now finding the things I need to do that isn’t easy.

I must say though. I really like the pieces of animation I’ve made recently. For the first time recently. I really feel like an animator. Like the differnce I feel between these and my old ones are like night and day. I feels like they were made by a different person.

I think I have some idea of what might have changed but I need to talk about my home life first.

Like I said. I was in a bad place mentally when the year started. I thought I was going to have another meltdown. Talking to the guy in the wheelchair gave me the first real desire to go out for what felt like the first time in years. At one point several of my online acquittances told me that some of my online habits weren’t healthy and I needed to go out and meet some people in the real world. A sort of impromptu intervention. Well. Not exactly easy. I needed to think about a reason to go out. Not a need like food. Or an existential understanding of a good, like how I know it would be good for me to take more walks to exercise and get fresh air. I needed a project. Something tangible. Then I remembered something. Last year I’d watched a very good movie called ‘Beyond the Gates’ about a horror themed board game. Anyone who knows me knows I love horror. And horror themed board games are something I haven’t tried and would need to meet other people to do it. I looked around online and found something promising ‘Betrayal at House on the Hill’.

A game steeped in horror imagery and themes.

I remembered there was a cafe in Oxford that had open nights for people who played board games. I had been there one or twice, and found it rather expensive. but now I have an object, purpose to follow.

I looked around. And I’ve found some places that could help in this goal. And how boy was that an adventure. At one point I took a walk to try and find it on my own. I had a merry walk around the south of the town, and found a nice looking Greek Orthodox church. I hope I can go to a service there some day.

I eventually found the place I was looking for. It was actually about a stone’s throw away from the castle. They didn’t have open nights. But the guy there was very nice. Set me up with a single player friendly game as a test and even told me how to play it. He also told me about another place nearby that did have open events. I checked it out. it’s not as cool as the first place, but I’ll give it a shot. I hung out there for a bit and even met some people who were having a mini convention. They seemed to like me enough. At least i don’t think they disliked me. But it did make me think I can’t just talk to people who are only into nerd stuff. It would be too intellectually limiting for me. I need to be around people I can talk to about higher minded things. Art and literature and religion and philosophy. I’ll atrophy without being able to talk about these bigger ideas. I fear I’m not smart enough to talk such things. But I’ve got to try. Maybe there’s something around the museum that can help me with this goal?

Feeling like I have a project is the most dramatic shift in my agoraphobia in a while. But it is also tiring. I don’t think I’ll be able to commit to this quest full time.

Another thing that I think helped was over the winter I spent some time looking over the video that scarred me so in Paris. After a while, it’s just become another thing I’ve seen. An unpleasant thing, but just a thing. There’s even a few bits about it I like about it now. I did hope I might warm up to it and find something far more interesting. But It’s just a shock video for all I can relate to it. Nothing more. Getting over this big even in my life probably also helped me build some confidence.

I’ve even gone to play mini-golf with someone I sorta know. That was something new.

But i think the biggest thing that happened over the end of winter was I wrote two short stories. Nothing amazing. But they felt like real stories. Not just collections of words pretending to be a story. I don’t know if anyone else thinks they’re any good or not. But I think they’re good. My old drawing teacher once asked me what i thought it would feel like to do a drawing as a real artist. I gave a rather ignorant answer. He told me, “You want to do another one”. And that’s how I feel about these stories now. I want to do more of them. I want to create whole worlds of stories. I love making these!… But animation and drawing must come first. I think with a bit of effort, I’ll feel I”l have the same attitude about them too.

I’ve been full of memories of my love for art and walking and nature and creativity. There’s so much of my old life I’d love to get back to. I’m not sure I deserve to be this happy.

But I do have to start working to make sure I stay on this upswing. Rather than just crashing while I’m high. Next week I start giving this my all.

Getting back in wasn’t easy. and I still haven’t exactly gotten my life back. Maybe just back to where it was around October of last year. But considering I was sure I was going to crash and burn again, getting back in instead feels amazing. I feel like that video meme of Mr Incredible becoming Canny

There’s still work to be done. More therapy I need to iron out some deep seated issues. But I think I’m beginning to understand those too. There’s relationships to think about. Some can’t be repaired. But as a wise space marine once said, the good thing about friends is, you can always make more of them.

I think what really allowed me to get back in was to take things piece by piece. Letting myself be honest about how weak I felt. Taking the hardest part of the whole thing bit by bit.

I think a lot about a story by the Reverend Wilbert Awdry from the Railway series. That’s Thomas the Tank Engine if you only know the TV adaptation. The story is called Edward’s Exploit. In it Edward, the oldest engine on the railway has to pull a train of tourists to the centre of the island. Only to struggle to start. The other engines mock him and say he should give up and be preserved in museum. The tourists have a nice day out. But on the way back heavy rain hits the island. Edward’s sanding geer fails. His driver drops sand on the rail by hand to try and keep the train going. Then Edward’s side rods break. Causing the train to stop completely. His crew inspect the damage.They have to take his broken side rods off. Leaving him effectively a “single”. An type of engine that was old fashioned when he was new. His driver asks him if he can get the passengers home. Edward tries. But it’s too heavy and he can’t get a grip. Then his diver has an idea. He semi-detaches each coach. Letting him pick them up one at a time. It’s still a huge effort. But Edward finally gets the train moving, then finally flying along. The Fat Controller is cross. But all the passengers Cheer Edward and his crew. And when he finally gets home “Battered, weary, but unbeaten” the other engines are respectfully silent. Here’s the TV adaptation of it.

This gave me some motivation during those dark days. And i think it descibs me well. Battered. Weary. But unbeaten.

I have this strange sense that no matter how week and small I feel, There’s some part of me that’s never been beaten. And I can grow it. Start seeing a meaning in my life again.

Here’s to hoping!

This is dumb

Why I’m I being forced to do this? I’m struggling as is without being asked to do a mandatory joural in one day.

So. How has this term been?

I’ve hated it. No point being coy.

If it seems like I’ve been doing less work it’s only because I have. Self orgonising and self motivating has never been a strong point for me. And in this term it’s been hard. I’ve been trying to re-engage with what got my fire going in the last term. But it all seems to backfire.

Towards the end of last academic year I was multitasking. Trying to learn many things. And it felt great. I was drawing, animating, writing, reading, exercising, and even doing a little poetry. But I still got stuff done.

But my attempt to bring multitasking back has gone horribly wrong. The extra stuff has grown into a sort of cancer. Taking over my work. First it was my animation experiments. Taking up more and more time. I’ve written several journals about how they went. And in the end it ended up comming in handy when I needed to make an animation for Constellation quickly. And somehow there I was able to get my momentum up to speed in no time. After four days of solid work I had wh I needed. I hoped then I would be done with TV Paint. Didn’t stop me from making two more little experiments next week.

I do like them. But I didn’t need to do them. Just an excuse to try a boil line again.

Despite hoping i could channel the passion I’d had for the Changing Cross animation into my main work now. I found instead it was all going into my writing instead. Into a story the wasn’t even uni work no less!

I think the issue is this. There are many states of working. but the simplest is work that takes no or little hard thought. Were you can just go with it. Like stenciling. My animation work can be like that. Specially is I’m just doing the inbetweens and not worrying about the timing. Even storywriting can be like that if I know everything that has to happen. But above that is a higher geer where to have to think hard about what to do next. A lot of mental walls between you and work. Raw hard thinking. I tend to really get caught in this geer when designing or drawing complicated stuff.

I know I can push through this state were it gets easier. And the drawing and the designing start to become one. But I’ve been scared of this effort. And once again. Scared of trying to get there and failing. My attempts at drawing have been hard and lackluster. Only doing a few lines at a time. Feeling dispirited. And on many days doin no drawing at all. I’m sorry.

So as a result I’m very behind schedule. Still haven’t finished the character designs. No progress on my test painted animation. And haven’t even started my storyboards. (And to Owen’s shagrin, no photographs of my drawings.)

I don’t know what to do. But I’m going to haveto change my tactics so I can get the stuff that matters done.

I’m open for suggestions.

Merry Christmas everyone.

It seems to me I make the same mistakes every year.

I get obsessed with something outside my university work. The first two years it was the online art groups I was part of and the commissions I was getting there. This year it was a faith crisis as to if Christianity is right for me, what i might have to give up, and if there is a denomination right for me (It’s been intense). And then I find I have no energy for my work and I’m doing next to nothing.

Forgive me if this sounds zen (I have been reading a lot religious writings) but I need to empty my mind first. It’s okay to have reading and viewing to unwind to. Even serious religious stuff. But when I am effectively studying it that is only bad for my art. I should be careful how I use my free time so it revialises me rather than drains me. i think fiction is a little better than non fiction here. But it’s not an absolute. And I think a little serious stuff can be good for keeping me feeling ground in my interests and happy, IF I don’t over do it. But it would also probably help a lot if I looked at more stuff, both fiction and non-fiction, that motivates, inspires, and most importantly, focases me on my artwork. As long as I don’t overdo it.

I feel a bit bad about dropping my heavy religious reading in the middle of a crisis. But I’ll have to live with it. I hope I can enjoy the lighter stuff.

One day I’ll get this balancing act right. I hope

Back in the animation block. Can’t lie. It feels nice.

I started a bouncing ball animation, but ran out of paper.

Then I made a bouncing Triangle in TVPaint, But couldn’t figure out how to upload it to youtube.

So right now I’m just getting to grips with the stuff I used to do here.

Wish me luck

Also

Medieve Music is just the best

It’s been hard living without structure. I’m clearly not much of an artist. But it would be a lie to say I’ve done nothing. I have some character sheets (Which I will hopefully upload photos of soon) And I now have a finished script. One I could make a storyboard with. And hopefully I will.

But I’m having trouble organizing my sleep pattern. Hopefully. That too will be fixed soon.