Well. It’s over.
I’m not sure what I did. Or why I did it. But I’ll try to remember.
It started with the most annoying of all assignments. Picking your own assignment. I complain about this every time. But this problem never goes away. So, I’m going to say it again.
These look backs always come with an assumed or sometimes stated question. “Why did you decide to do this?” To which the only honest answer is “Because I was told to or I would fail the course.”
At this point the teacher invariably looks embarrassed and maybe even a little flustered and says something to the effect of “Yes, but why did you chose THIS thing?”
The assumed and eternally false narrative being that our passion for writing essays made us do this and it was just a luck co-incidence that one was part of the course. Even this counter question is phrased so as to try to push responsibility for this mess back on to us the students. To make us answer as if we were motivated by are own creativity. Ignoring that we are VISUAL artists and for most of us writing will be a weak point. It is depressing how the very structure of the question is designed to alleviate the tutors and the system of the responsibility, and possibly the guilt, for causing the mess they have to read.
Anyhow. Here goes.
It’s been well over a year since we were first given our outline. A year that has been a drag for us all. And I’ve had plenty of other things that I’ve cared about more in the meantime. So, a lot of my memories regarding this project, both what I thought, and what I did, are very hazy to me. I might even have to guess some of it. But I’ll try.
The initial outline didn’t give us much to work with. It took me a long time to understand what was even being asked of us. But I slept on it for a bit. In fact, it was while I was drifting off to sleep I had an idea. I was listing to something about the history of Christianity while going to sleep, and the byzantine debate over icons came up. And it gave me an idea.
I was interested in the question of if an animation could fit the strict rules that were used for byzantine icons could be applied to an animation. If one could make an animated icon.
I went with this idea to Professor Clarkson. He seemed sceptical about the idea. Felt the scope of it was too limited. So, I mulled it over a little longer, then tweaked it. I came back with the idea of the question “Can an animation be a work of devotional art?” A work of religious art designed specifically to help people in their relationship with God. Of which the Byzantine icons were just one example. On bringing this back to Professor Clarkson he said it would fit the bill nicely.
This is where my memories get very blurry. Please forgive me. This all was over a year ago. And I was not in great mental health when it was happening.
I borrowed all the books I felt would be useful and started reading at a furious rate. I read until my head hurt. I dipped in and out of many books, so I was getting a wide variety of information. But I gave some higher priority than others. I’ve never got the hang of taking notes. But I did what I could.
Confusingly, I had another project writing about contemplative prayer going on at the same time. And in hindsight I don’t think I knew where one project ended and the other started. But I think I gave a lot more effort to the other project than it ever actually demanded.
I really don’t remember much of what happened next. There was a lot of writing. It was very boring. I don’t remember Why I did what I or what motivated me to do what. I remember reading the book on video art bored and annoyed me a lot. Video artists mostly seem to be smug pricks. I liked the book on Bill Viola a lot. It was interesting to learn the “piss christ” wasn’t actually meant to be disrespectful. I don’t think I’ll ever really get the appeal of William Blake, either as painter or as a poet. And Reading about zen circle art was a pleasure.
At some point I crashed hard. I just couldn’t read anymore. I don’t remember what happened after that. We were deep into lockdown by that point anyway. But at some point an essay was written. And at some point it was shown to Professor Clarkson and he liked it.
It was decided that I should make a proof-of-concept animation. Something to go with my essay. Or maybe that was part of the brief. I don’t remember. But I would do a test run of what a devotional Christian animation could be.
I chose to make something inspired by Japanese Zen circle art. It would be an animation of a cross being drawn. One that could be looped infinitely. And damn did it feel good to be animating again. Though filming it without university equipment proved to be a nightmare. Thankfully, I had someone to help out. Honestly, I liked the end result. It had a grainy, hand-made charm to it.
The new academic year started, and I was hit out of the blue with an order for an even bigger essay I’d been doing no prep work for. As always, the fine art teachers just seem to think the animation students just don’t have lives of our own. That we came here to work for them as a sort of second-class Fine Art students. I felt totally at sea in a boat that was taking on water fast. Thankfully someone told me that I could just build a new essay out of the old one. That I already had most of the work done.
And then another bombshell was dropped on me.
I had to make another animation for this project. I don’t know how know this happened. But luckily for me (very luckily) I had been experimenting with TVpaint at the time. So I had the tools I needed on hand and tuned. Amazingly I made an animation in just three days. It was of an eternally changing cross. Moving from one type of cross to another. I really liked it. Not bad for a few days work.
There’s another large gap in my memory here. I was more involved with other stuff at the time. But when the new year rolled around it soon became clear I would not be going back to Cardiff. The new restrictions would make working there impossible. So it was decided I would finish my Constellation work once and for all. Then defer the rest of the year.
Back in oxford. I found myself writing this final big writing project. It was indeed a case of just adding to my old writing. It wasn’t fun. But eventually I had enough. In fact, some bits talking about the artist Fra Angelico had to be cut down. But now it’s done.
I don’t feel any sense of accomplishment. I don’t feel I’ve learned anything. I don’t feel anything at all. This whole venture was an exercise in conscripted, meaningless work.
Whatever.
John's Learning Journal 