The Following is a series of thoughts I wrote down about my upcoming essay for Constellation. It was written stream of consciousness style over six hours. With only minor changes for spelling and grammar. I hope it is useful.
I can’t think of anything to do.for my final essay on Anthropology. One that will get me marks that I need. So I have taken to think about my predicament instead. Why isn’t Anthropology inspiring me?
Well. Let’s start with what Anthropology is. What defines it from other schools of thought?
Philosophy – What is? – External: Physical and Metaphysical
Science – How do things work? External: Physical
Theology – Why do things exist? External: Metaphysical
Psychology – Who are we? Why do we hurt? Internal: Metaphysical
Anatomy – How do our bodies work? Internal: Physical
Religion – How should we live? Internal: Metaphysical and Spiritual
Anthropology – How are we living? Internal: Physical and Metaphysical
Forgive the large amount Cartesian dualism here. Treating Physical and Metaphysical as totally separate. I know it is unfashionable and has definante drawbacks. It is a system I like and it is very useful for getting to grips with something hard, even if it is limiting.
I classify Anthropology as internal, physical and metaphysical because it deals with what make us us. Not in terms of our bodies or our minds (See Anatomy and Psychology) but how the physical world shapes us. Internally. Not just the physical environment we live in. Climate, resources, landscape and so on But how the people arounds us, their Psychology, their religion, their wants and their culture, turn us into the people we become. You cannot have Anthropology without the physical or the metaphysical. It does not work with just one.
A small disclaimer. I am no expert on anthropology as a whole. When I speak about it as a single field I Am doing so based on the experiences I have had here in in the past three months. If at anypoint I misrepresent the field as a whole, I am sorry.
Anthropology challenges me. And not in a fun way. My interests lie in Philosophy, Theology, Psychology, and Religion. I guess I am very much a Kierkegaardian. I see myself as very much alone on a journey to be a better and more informed person. Science feels unwieldy and unreliable. What is true today is false tomorrow. Anatomy doesn’t grab me either My body feel like a deadweight, a millstone around my neck I’d be happier without (No the irony of that simerly does not escape me). And other people and their culture, without whom anthropology does not work, have always felt like an obstacle.
Even when I was small, the huge mass of people felt like a chore at best and an enemy at worst. A diciticaloral crush demanding conformity or death. I feel happiest on my own. I prefer to go outside at night when there less people around. When I don’t hate being around other people or find it to be my greatest source of suffering, I merely find it boring. The irony is my religion’s highest commandment is to love these people as I love myself. When I find a resolution to this problem I’ll let you know.
Studying Anthropology has been hard, and trying to find something to write about is even harder. Not because I hate it. But because I can’t care. My own culture feels as distant from me as the moon is from the earth. Other cultures may as well be on another planet.
It seems the implicit bias of the current course is to marshal a critique of the current culture. Whether by making us consider if park benches are anti-homeless, or if religions from far distant lands are as true as (if not truer than) western science.
I don’t feel up to critiquing my own culture because it is treating me okay. It lets a misanthrope alone. The idealised “Diverse” culture of the current left is one where I would be even more of an outcast than I already am, and where apathy towards social justice is treachery towards the human race. No country for me. I will not celebrate diversity because I do not celebrate human beings of any skin colour, gender, or sexualty. I want to make art. Not social change. I want to to talk about being human. Not about how awful western humans are.
I will confess to sometimes idealising the old world with its Christian values, classical art, and well spoken english as opposed to modern apathy, anti-art, and gutter talk. But even if it seems brighter, I would not have been able to live in it. The older I get the more it becomes apparent to me. That I cannot conform. Not will not. Can not. And conformity was even more of a priority in the old world than it will be in the new one. I am living in the only world I know of that will tolerate me. It’s is not in my interests, in either sense of the term, to campaign for a new world or a return to the old.
But I am still human. And humans need other humans. Not just practically but psychologically. Humans locked away in solitary confinement go insane. Humans who are stranded will make up other humans to talk to. People, even in civilisation, can die of loneliness. We need other people for empathy, entertainment, and to express ourselves. And while I have not tested myself I believe these human truths apply to me as much as any other person, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
How do I manage this?
I have only felt lonely three times in my life. It was a very unpleasant feeling. I don’t envy those who feel it everyday. I can go for long stretches without human contact. But I’m sure I have limits. I am at least lucky that most of the people in my life are good to me.
The other thing about Anthropology that I have hinted at is that it critiques the culture as it is. Or if discussing a far distant one it may focus on one specific part of its past. I want to think about themes that are timeless. What is? Why is it? Who are we? How should we live? These things will never not be relievent. And they are relevant to everyone. Anthropology as I’ve experienced it here deals with the transient and unimportant. Factors of life that might change tomorrow. Is the UN trying to make us all live longer so we can pay more tax? I dunno? I doubt it. But even if they are the people in the UN might all be different in ten years time and have a totally different set of goals. St Augustine’s writings about memory, suffering, goodness, and the capacity to commit evil will be just as true in 1500 years as they are now.
This is my paradox. I’m being asked to critique the culture, or at least talk about the culture of others. When I am apathetic to both. Apathy is a way bigger demovitiator than hatred. “Apathy is death. Worse than death!” Goes the quote from Star Wars Mystic, Kreia. I am fighting death here!
I cannot muster the hatred or love to think of something. All I can consider is trying to tie anthropology into something I do care about, like a man trying to tether a boat to a moving bull. What can I draw on that I have written here?
I may not have much interest in the current or future culture. But the culture is made up of people, who like me, are still dealing with the same eternal problems I am. Even if I don’t see it.
Why doesn’t that spark more empathy in me? Am I a sociopath? I get upset when I see people being hurt. I feel good when other tell me I have helped them. I feel grief. Even for people I don’t know. I must have some empathy somewhere. Maybe I am a narcissist
instead?
The culture, be it mine or others, is made in response to eternal problems as well as practical ones. No culture has beaten them yet. Some would even claim trusting the culture to do so is anti-human as it turns us into drones instead of people. But Kudos to the cultures for at least trying.
Do I write about how the culture suggests dealing with the human problems I have? Maybe how different cultures tackle them?
These feel like important topics. But the drive to research and write about them still isn’t there.
Please don’t take this as an attack on the subject. It’s not. I’m just lost here and trying to figure out what to do.
There’s more going here than just apathy. When I look at the world outside it seems like and endless scream of rage and hatred. Why would I want to be a part of that? But the truth of it is I am a part of it. I feel intense rage, hatred, despair, and and distress. I think everyone does. And that’s why the world right now seems so rotten and people are demanding change, or for things to go back to how they used to be. If I am right they always have been and people have always claimed one of these things would fix everything. And I think history would back me up there.
If I am just another angry shrill voice saying the culture need to go back/forward and treating all who disagree with me as my enemies what good would I even be doing?
I want to really learn how to be a better person so when the time comes I can be voice of compassion rather than one of anger. And to do that I must complete, or at least start my spiritual journey. If learning lists of facts as to how to run a culture made a good culture we’d have solved all the world’s problems centuries ago. I cannot ever be sure of doing the right thing. But I believe I can at least become less angry, and in doing so spread less anger.
I believe silence is the key to humanity’s ills. The great spiritual masters would go-
I have it!
“Music and Silence. How I hate them both!”. This utterance was made by Screwtape. A senior devil who serived as CS Lewis’s shadow-self. Saying what the greatest way to induce sin is in a man. The great Spiritual masters would go out into the desert to be alone with God. With Silence. Silence. Something our culture has forgotten. Even I, try as I will. Cannot stay in silence for long. I crave noise! NOISE! That only state Screwtape found agreeable. In the age of the internet noise is king!
Let me write about Silence, music and noise. About how we have cut ourselves off from silence, and thus from God. This is an issue that is both eternal, but also very immediate in our current culture. I know I have something to say here. And are not our demons manifestation of that screaming anger that lives within all of us That mentioned earlier? It ties
I feel like a rocket has gone off in my head. I might have trouble finding all the sources for my ideas. But I know I will at least have something to say.
I felt I could make a very interesting character out of her.
I knew he was something special.
John's Learning Journal 