There’s not much left to go over. I’ve been extremely in depth in this. Probably more than anything else. But I might as well tie together the last few pieces.
I came in in Tuesday just wanting to die. But I had another very productive day. I can’t say how. But yes. I did the drawing and most of the undercoat. It was good work. My camera battery died again so I have nothing to show. But I did well and the I noticed while my inner doubts do eat at me a lot It’s not just a case of living with it and numbinging myself with small abouts of reading (or the internet). My inner monologue can change to more positive things. Maybe I should have less or no monologue. But at least I no I’m not just trapped with my own angst. My mind goes to odd places when I’m working well on art. When I’m in deep my mind starts playing long clips form old Thomas the Tank Engine and The Simpsons. In quite a lot of detail too. I don’t know why. But I’ve had this happen to me before in long life drawing classes. I think it must involve some deep part of my mind coming to the surface.
I wasn’t back on schedule. But I was doing good.
On Wednesday I felt like I want to be dead. But I still came in. In didn’t work as hard. I’m sad to say I slept a little in the middle of the day. Something that often happens when I’m stressed. And my output wasn’t as strong. But just when I felt like giving up I realised something. When I feel like something is too hard I shut down. But all I really need to do is think about what needs to be done next, or what can be done next, and maybe rest a little (though I’m hoping to cut that stage out) and I CAN do it. I can go on and do the thing that seemed impossible or too advanced or stressful for me. I could do it all along.
Everybody has times in their life when their hearts are filled with doubt
Frustration builds up inside, still makes you want shout
But if you take that first step, the next one will appear, then I find I can walk, and run, and fly
I left tired. But ready to do do the thing I most scared of. The faces.c Feeling almost confent.
Here’s how it looked at the time
I was pretty happy with e drawn version of face. I not only looked like a real person’s face. It looked like a woman’s face. That’s so rare for me it hurts.
Probably the best human face and expression I’ve ever done. Though I did have some real help from James.
Well today I came in and appield the oils. And her face didn’t get worse, it got better. The whole thing got better. I think I’m currently better with acrylics than oils. But damn to oils feel nice.
I I painted the three figures in oils and added some details the rest of the piece. Then I realised something I was done. Sure there’s more I could do. The thing was very messy with rogue bits of green splattered all over the place. But Everything that needed to be there, was there.
I did it. I actually finished something. By myself.
I hadn’t truly finished a project since 2015 at least. I think i’d believed I’d never be able to. The enormity of this moment made me want to cry. Whether from all the years of failure or breaking through that cycle I don’t know.
Here’s all my pieces together.
And here is the final piece
Wow
I cleaned up. Gave my presentation and wrote this up.
I feel like I’ve had a lot of limits and boundaries pushed these past few weeks. I may have even learned a few things. i just hope I can carry some of it. Any of it into new year.
At least I will be working with James again.
I’ve also talked to Morgan about my interest in photography and learning a bit about digital 2D. He’s onboard. Awesome.
I’m in pain.
Thank you God. Thank you.
John's Learning Journal 